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REAL BASEBALL DEFINITIONS

ARTIFICIAL TURF • The hairpiece that falls into your lap off the head of an excited fan sitting next to you

BALK • Your inadvertent signal that the vendor interprets as meaning you want to buy ten hot dogs

BULLPEN • Your car with a bunch of rowdy kids on the way to the ballgame

CHANGE-UP • The newest, surprising ticket price increase

CLEAN UP • What you’re glad you don’t have to do when you see the mess your group made in the stands

DESIGNATED HITTER • The person in your group who has been designated the task of standing up to all of the bullies surrounding you in the stands

ERROR • Leaving a ticket stub in your pants pocket which your wife or girlfriend discovers, meaning that you were at the big game when you were supposed to be at the office

FOUL • The obnoxious fan who has the seat right next to you

FULL COUNT • Making sure that the whole BOY SCOUT troop is still with you when you
get back to your car

GRAND SLAM • What happens to your car just as you pull out of the stadium parking lot

HOME RUN • What every driver tries to do after the game to avoid another stadium parking lot jam up

HOT GROUNDER • What happens to your hot dog when someone knocks it out of your hands

HUMMER • What most national anthem singers should have done instead of trying to sing the national anthem, or, the vehicle most of the top players in the game now show up at the ballpark driving

INSIDE • Where your son is going to spend the next two weeks if he doesn’t start behaving at the game

LEAD OFF • The person at the end of your row who always stands up first to let others go by

LOW & OUTSIDE • Your feelings and your location when you arrive at the ballpark and realize you have left the tickets on the table at home

MOUND • What an ever increasing number of ballplayers have right above their belt

PICK-OFF • What you need to do with the ice cream that just fell into your lap

POP FLY • When an excited fan jumps up to catch a stray baseball with a cup of soda in his hands

RUN • What you have to do to get to the game on time

RELIEF • The R-O-L-A-I-D-S you will need after eating all that ballpark junk food

SACRIFICE • When you hate today’s game, but your wife or girlfriend loves it

SCREWBALL • What most fans become when they realize that the TV cameras are focusing on them

SEVENTH INNING STRETCH • The seven-foot-tall person who has the seat directly in front of yours

SHORT HOP • When you trip going up or down the stadium steps

SINGLE • The amount of money now remaining in your wallet at the end of the game

SINKER • Your heart, when you realize you left you car keys in the ignition, with the engine running and all of the doors are locked, or, when you realize you left the car headlights on all through the game

SLIDE • What happens when you walk through a puddle of spilled beer

SLOW CURVE • The line for the restrooms which winds all the way down the stadium corridor

SPLIT FINGER • The slice in your hand from the can of beer or soda you brought into the stadium under your coat

SQUEEZE PLAY • The big romance in the stands that gets shown on the stadium video board

STEAL • What happens when the change from your hot dog purchase gets passed down the wrong aisle

SWING AND A MISS • When you get all tangled up in the turnstile

“TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME” • The song you can’t get out of your head for the next 10 days

TRIPLE • The amount of times you went over your budget at the game today

UMPIRE • What parents are compelled to do when driving their kids to or from the ballpark

WALK • What you do for a few hours after the game trying to locate where you parked the car

WILD PITCH • Your frantic yell after the umpire blows the call

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